#whyimthankful

I have had a lot of time for reflection this month.  I can honestly say that the thing that I am most thankful for this year is my life.

Earlier this year after much praying and a whole lot of research, I made the decision to have gastric bypass.  My insurance covered it and so many of the health issues I deal with could be resolved with the surgery.  The risks are extremely low and the benefits seem to outweigh the risks,  There are so many people that I know that had weight-loss surgery that it changed and saved their lives.  I was ready for it!  I knew that there would be so many changes that went along with this new lifestyle, but it wasn't anything that I couldn't deal with.

My surgery was scheduled for 11/4 and the closer that I got to the date, the more excited, yet afraid I became.  This could be the one thing that would allow me to become pregnant!  I did everything I was supposed to leading up to the surgery.  The day before, I could only have clear liquids.  I thought that would be the worst day ever.  It was actually not bad at all and I really wasn't hungry.

The day of my surgery, I don't remember much. I know that I ate a green popsicle and I tried to walk around.  Everyone kept telling me that you will feel so much better once you start walking around.  I walked with David and began looking forward to going home the next day.  This would not happen, though.

I took a turn for the worst.  I developed a fever than just kept climbing with a heart rate around 150.  I was in so much pain that even the IV Demerol would only last for a few minutes.  My legs were practically hanging off of the hospital bed because I didn't have the strength to fully get back in.  By the time my dr came into see me, he knew something was wrong.  He made the decision to go back in and clean me out to make sure there wasn't something more going on.  My white blood cell count had gone up, in addition to the racing heart and fever.

By the time they got me back into surgery, my fever had gotten so high that I just kept seeing flashing lights.  I have never been so scared in my entire life because I had no idea what was going on.  I didn't know where I was or what was happening.  When I woke up in recovery, I just kept hearing one of the nurses say that I needed to be in ICU.  I was able to go back to my room, however.

During my second surgery, my dr discovered that there was a pinhole leak where my stomach and small intestines meet.  The leak was causing sepsis in my body which was why my fever was high and my white blood cell count was so high.  Dr put 2 drains in my abdomen to help get the nasty stuff out of me.  These were found to be very uncomfortable and I hated the way they smelled.

I finally got to come home that Monday and could not wait for a shower and to sleep in my own bed.  You don't know how much a shower can help you feel better until you have to go a while without one.

I cannot thank my mother, father, and husband enough for the care they have given me this path month.  I have required 24-hour care because I needed assistance getting out of bed and going to the bathroom.  Yes, I had to have someone wipe my behind.

I have had to make 2 more hospital visits because of dehydration since I was released.  I have also had my new stomach pouched stretched.  Every day is a new challenge for me, but I am learning to deal with it.  I sleep a lot now because for so long, I couldn't sleep.  I would wake up every hour with nausea so bad that the only thing that would relieve it was to dry heave.  Today is the first day that I haven't vomited which I will consider a victory!

My veins have been poked and prodded for IVs so much that my arms looked like a coloring book at one point.  They are healing now, so I am super happy about that.

The chances of complications with this surgery are like less than 1%.  Everyone that I knew that had weight-loss surgery had really good experiences and were very successful.  I am finally starting to heal and feel a little better each day.  I know that this time next year, I will look back on all of this and know it was worth it.  Until then, I will keep optimistic and be grateful that I made it through all of this and became a stronger, healthier woman because of it.

Puppy Power

I have a confession.  I have become a dog person.

I hate leaving my dog.  It kills me to hear her cry when I leave.  I hate putting her in her kennel.  I let her sleep in my bed.  I count down the clock around 1:30p M-F because I know that in roughly 2 hours and 15 minutes, I will be getting kisses on my face from her.

Daisy has become like my child.  My furry, sweet, stinky-breathed girl.

My sweet 8.8 lbs angel-face was spayed on Monday.  She is so little to begin with so the anesthesia that they put her under took a toll on her tiny body.  She was absolutely lifeless on Monday.  She could barely lift her head and wouldn't even look at me.  It took her almost a day to even want to eat.  I don't know if she even really had an appetite, but she ate a little on Tuesday.  She would just shake so bad and I couldn't stop it.  It was breaking my heart.  I just held her and cried on Wednesday night.  I begged Heavenly Father to please just make her feel better.  After about 5 minutes of my pleading with Heavenly Father, she stopped the shaking.  It was just such a relief that her little body wasn't trembling anymore.

It made me so sad that she couldn't tell me where she hurt.  I just watched her being pitiful and all I could do was try to love on her to make her feel better.

I never truly understood how dogs were supposedly man's best friend.  Not until now.

I am Daisy's world.  Her face lights up when I come home.

Cats don't really do that.  Yeah, they like to be petted and they like to rub up against you, but they don't really come when called.  They just want you to feed them and brush them and clean up their pee and poop.  I guess you could say that they are rather selfish little creatures.

Dogs are not like that.  They want you to do all that and play with them and snuggle with them and walk with them.

I came home from work today and went to go get Daisyhead from Mama and Dad's house aka Buckingham Palace.  I noticed that I did not hear any crying or barking.  Something HAD to be wrong.  When I opened the door, I observed her kennel door open and my little escapee on my bed.  She had gotten out and made 4 puppy size turds on my floor.  She knew she had done bad, but to see how happy she was when I opened my door, well, you just can't even be mad at that.  I cleaned it up and told her she had done a bad thing but I was glad it was on the floor and not on my $300 bedspread.

She has that power over me and I just can't even hate on it.  I love that little scruffy girl.

Little old ladies and their ice cream

Sometimes, I wish there was a button on Facebook that was for WTH posts. You know, those posts where it would be nicer than saying  "You are really an idiot and you should shut up" or "Quit posting stuff that you know absolutely nothing about" or even better, "I swear if you whine one more time about 'how bad your life is' even though it is that way because of your own choices."

I cannot believe this year is half over.  It doesn't seem possible.

I met this sweet little lady the other day at the Ryan's in Denham Springs.  I have never met anyone that reminded me of Granny as much as this little lady did.  She was sitting by herself and it made me really sad.  I made myself an ice cream cone and she commented on how pretty I made it.  It was actually pretty crummy looking, but to her, it was beautiful.  I asked her if she would like for me to make her one.  She said she just might want me to do that.  I told her to let me know if she ended up wanting one.  A little while later, I went to her table and asked her if she was ready for her cone which she was.  I gave it to her and she was so grateful.  She said that she isn't used to someone waiting on her.  My heart dropped.  Did she live alone?  Did she have friends or a family?  There were so many things I wanted to ask her.  I went back to the table and just kept looking over at her.  As we were getting ready to leave, I felt this strong prompting that I needed to give her a hug.  I asked her if she would mind me hugging her to which she replied not at all.  I hugged and told her she reminded me so much of my Granny.  She took me by the hand and started rubbing it just like Granny used to.  She looked me in the eyes and told me that if I ever saw her around town to say hello and talk to her.  I just smiled and told her that I would.  I walked away weeping because I knew this woman was truly an angel on Earth.

I wish that I had asked her for her name.  I would love to send her cards and letters and tell her that her smile melted my heart and that I would remember her forever.

I guess my point of this story is to not take little moments like this for granted.  Don't be afraid to befriend a stranger (well, to a certain point).  You never know if that smile that you gave was that person's highlight of their day.

We need to be a kinder people.  We need to be a better people.  It is little steps like this that make us happier and the world a better place to be.

Unforeseen Blessings

I may not have very much money, but I am truly rich in blessings. 

Sometimes, it can be really hard to look at certain circumstances as blessings.  I may not make a ton of money, but just the fact that my job has really good health insurance makes it worth it.

I am so grateful that out of the blue, one of my friends from high school asked me about voice lessons for her daughter.  Having the opportunity to teach both flute and voice lessons now is such a joyful experience.  It has been so long since I was able to do that.  

I have decided that I need to do good things for more people.  I am going to start an organization that crochets shawls and scarves for needy people.  It is part of a Pay it Forward that I received last year.  I have a friend that has a friend that is a forensic nurse that works with trauma victims.  Sometimes, these victims come into hospitals with nothing to keep them warm.  I think that maybe if they had something handmade, it would show that someone cares.  If anyone crochets and wants to donate their time to help make someone's day a little brighter, let me know :)

My friend has been posting a blog this week about infertility.  It has made me think so much about my own circumstances.  I stayed on birth control for years because of health reasons.  I know that I needed to be on birth control to keep the tumor from growing, but it makes me wonder if I had never started, would that have allowed me to get pregnant by now?  Maybe it is just not my time to have a baby.  Maybe there are other things God has in store for my husband and I.  

I am seeing a specialist to try and get some things right about my body.  Once the time comes, I will talk more about it.  There are some really amazing changes that are going to happen and I can't wait to get things in motion.  

It absolutely makes me so upset to see pregnant women complaining about well, being pregnant.  First off, if you aren't listening to your doctor, you have no right to complain.  You have no idea how it makes women who cannot conceive feel.  There are women that would give every cent to their name to have a chance to experience the miracle of pregnancy.  It is still too soon for David and I to give up trying, but we may have to start looking at alternative methods of becoming parents.  I have 2 friends that have offered to be a surrogate for me.  That is truly a blessing in itself.  I just wish that people who have brought circumstances upon themselves would not try to be the victims and would realize how choice and accountability works.  Life isn't easy, but when you make better choices, it definitely helps things along the way.

Anniversary

I can't believe that I am celebrating my 1-year wedding anniversary today.  It doesn't seem possible.  I think about exactly where I was at this time last year and how quickly that day went.

I didn't sleep the night before.  We got home from our amazing rehearsal dinner at The New Orleans School of Cooking.  It was such a great night for not only the locals, but for those who had never been into New Orleans before.  I remember feeling like a kid on Christmas Eve but multiplied by like 1,000,000,000 times more excited.  I think by 9am, I had consumed like 24 oz of Red Bull and nothing really to eat except a handful of Cheez-Its.  I can't thank my sister enough for bringing those snacks.  I must have had like 15 panic attacks that day even to the point that at the very last minute, I changed which shoes I would be walking down the aisle in.  Yup, I wore Crocs and yes, they were little boy Crocs.  I was comfortable and that was all that mattered.

The ceremony flew by so quickly (which is how I wanted) and soon, we were on the way to our reception for our out of town family.  I don't really remember what happened that whole time except that my Granny wanted to dance with David and Keith picked "New Orleans Lady" for her to dance with him.  If you don't know, that song is about a lady of the night.  Definitely not what Janie McClerkin was.

We almost had a Father of the Bride moment, but with my Mama.  We got in the limo and the next thing I knew, we were at the Astor Crowne Plaza on the corner of Canal and Bourbon.  That night, we had dinner at The Bourbon House and experienced redfish "on the half-shell."  I was telling my sister that I wish that we would have had more fish growing up that wasn't a fish stick.

That night also caused me to have a panic attack.  I was about to give my most precious gift to my husband.  I can't remember a time that I was more frightened than I was that whole evening.  It could have been the most intense experience that I have ever had.  It makes me so sad that so many people don't regard how precious that moment is.  Virtue is given up like the swipe of a debit card now.  I cannot imagine not having my husband as my first experience of true and beautiful intimacy.

I don't really talk about it much at all, but I have a tumor in my uterus that may or may not effect my fertility.  It is painful and is growing in between the lining.  I also have cysts on my ovaries that constantly burst and are terribly painful.  The only way to get rid of the tumor is to have a hysterectomy and I am just not ready for that permanent solution.  My heart is so heavy when I think about the possibility of not being able to not only get pregnant, but to possibly not be able to carry a baby.  My mama went into labor with me on her first wedding anniversary.  That would be me today.  I keep wondering why it is so hard for us when there are people that have no business having children getting pregnant.  I think about one of my friends who has been married almost ten years and still can't conceive.  It isn't that they don't want to, but she has medical reasons as well.  It will break my heart if I am 43 and still without a child.  In some ways, I feel like I am being punished.  You will never know how I feel until you walk a mile in my shoes.  Maybe I am just not praying about it enough.  I just hope that one day, I can have the joys of hearing some little voice calling me Mama.

Redneck Grocery Shopping

Antha and I went to Jubilee at lunch time today.  Jubilee is Pearl River's main grocery store and if you have never been in there, you should make a trip. They have the nicest staff and the store is so ridiculously clean, not just for Pearl River, but by anyone's standards.  I still tend to block it out of my brain that I technically work in the town of Pearl River, Louisiana.  I started thinking about an experience I had last year around this time while shopping there.  There was a lady who was in front of me in line that was probably in her mid-late 60's.  She was buying some boxed Franzia wine and starts to proceed to tell the cashier the "secret to getting the bitter taste out of boxed wine."  This immediately piqued my interest.  Not being a consumer of alcohol, I had no idea that boxed wine was bitter and I kinda was interested in her cure for this inexpensive adult beverage.  She said you take the cherry-pomegranate flavored Crystal Light and pour a little bit in the wine.  The cashier was really sinking this in because I could see the wheels in her head working.  At this point, I am amused at the "Redneck Wine Tips," and I wanted to say, "I have an even better way of getting rid of the bitter taste; don't buy cheap wine."  I realized that a) I don't think either of these ladies would appreciate my sense of humor and 2) I was definitely wearing a camouflage hunting shirt that day.  This was not helping my cause to do as much as possible to not fit in while in Pearl River.  I just kept my comments to myself and chuckled raucously when I got into my car.

With that being said, I bought some boiled peanuts from said store.  They were rather delicious and I have to remember that there is such a thing as too many boiled peanuts.

Last night, I found a list that I made about 6-7 years ago.  This list contained the qualities and attributes that I wanted and needed in a husband.  I kept it tucked into my scripture case so I wouldn't lose it.  Last night, it fell out when I was reading my scriptures.  Every single thing that I had one that list was David.  David possessed every one of those qualities and while it might not have been there in the beginning, he has developed and become the exact person that I needed to be my eternal companion and future father to my children.  I thank the Lord every single day for blessing me with him.

David and I were not each other's ideal mates before we met.  I was pretty much the opposite of every girl he had dated and I never in a million years would have imagined that I would end up with the gun-loving, meat-eating, animal-hunting, self-sufficient redneck that he is.  I wouldn't trade him for anyone or anything on this earth.  He does not complete me.  I was a whole person before he came along.  He just makes me better.  He makes me want to be the best woman that I can be.  I love him more every day.

It kills me to see women staying with pieces of crap just because they are afraid to be alone.  Maybe they like being treated bad.  I don't get it.  I would rather be alone for eternity than have one month of someone who needs to be in jail because he doesn't take care of his kids and refuses to get a job.  I would not give someone an ultimatum that they have to be clean for any length of time before something happens.  How can you put up with that.  GET SOME RESPECT FOR YOURSELVES, WOMEN!  You are making it okay for men to do this crap.  You are enabling them to abuse and use you.  It is not okay.  It is not okay.  It is not okay for anyone to treat you so wrong.  Wake up because you never know when your life will be changed to where you can't change things.

Outlook

I enjoy people watching.  I used to love sitting in the Union at both LSU and SLU watching people walk by and wondering what a day in their lives were like. There are days where I missing having customer facing jobs for that reason.  In the years that I worked at Blockbuster and Best Buy, I met some very interesting people. Some of my regular customers almost became like family.  Some of my co-workers really are my extended family.  I have learned so much from these people throughout the years.  Many of them have helped mold me into the person that I am.

I look at some people and wonder what makes them the way they are.  I think some people are genuinely naive and try to find the best in everyone.  It may not necessarily be a bad thing to have those qualities, but when it starts affecting your work habits and family life, there needs to be a cut off point.  It is so hard to sit back and watch someone you love let someone else destroy their life because they are afraid of being alone.  No one deserves to be used and taken advantage of, but at some point, you have to say enough is enough.  Single mothers shouldn't have to take care of deadbeat dads that REFUSE to get jobs.  I don't know if anyone else knows this, but jobs aren't handed out.  Jobs don't just find you; you have to be the one that shows initiative to work.  Men like that should be ashamed of themselves and women who allow and enable it should not be allowed to complain.

I look at several people I know that are getting married in the next year and wonder if they have any clue what they are getting into.  One couple has been together for a long time and I has definitely had their ups and downs.  They have broken up and gotten back together several times in the years that I have known them.  I think they finally reached the point in their relationship that the only left for them to do was to get married.  I find it honorable that they are making this commitment to each other.

Couples 2 and 3 just met each other a few months ago and barely know their prospective mates.  Couple 2 are a little older, but are mature and have really good jobs.  Do I think they are insane?  Absolutely, but they have several months to work out kinks and I think they will be okay.

David and I didn't date for very long before we got engaged, but we had also been friends for a while before we got engaged.  Our engagement was also a year.  That year made such a difference.  There were still so many things we had to learn about each other, especially since we weren't going to live together before we got married.  This first year of marriage has proven to be one of the best and hardest years of my life.  I had no idea that I was lose one of the most important people in my life.  I had no idea that no matter how hard you try to be frugal, there is always never enough money.  Working through the tough times is what marriage is about.  Loving each other's imperfections and making each other a better person is what makes it worth it.

Couple 3 is like a tornado in a trailer park.  Not only is there no steady jobs, advice is not wanted. There are going to be a lot of hard lessons to learn, but then again, that is what marriage is about.  I wish them well.

We have a new family member moving in with us tonight.  Will update when more information is available!