I can't believe that I am celebrating my 1-year wedding anniversary today. It doesn't seem possible. I think about exactly where I was at this time last year and how quickly that day went.
I didn't sleep the night before. We got home from our amazing rehearsal dinner at The New Orleans School of Cooking. It was such a great night for not only the locals, but for those who had never been into New Orleans before. I remember feeling like a kid on Christmas Eve but multiplied by like 1,000,000,000 times more excited. I think by 9am, I had consumed like 24 oz of Red Bull and nothing really to eat except a handful of Cheez-Its. I can't thank my sister enough for bringing those snacks. I must have had like 15 panic attacks that day even to the point that at the very last minute, I changed which shoes I would be walking down the aisle in. Yup, I wore Crocs and yes, they were little boy Crocs. I was comfortable and that was all that mattered.
The ceremony flew by so quickly (which is how I wanted) and soon, we were on the way to our reception for our out of town family. I don't really remember what happened that whole time except that my Granny wanted to dance with David and Keith picked "New Orleans Lady" for her to dance with him. If you don't know, that song is about a lady of the night. Definitely not what Janie McClerkin was.
We almost had a Father of the Bride moment, but with my Mama. We got in the limo and the next thing I knew, we were at the Astor Crowne Plaza on the corner of Canal and Bourbon. That night, we had dinner at The Bourbon House and experienced redfish "on the half-shell." I was telling my sister that I wish that we would have had more fish growing up that wasn't a fish stick.
That night also caused me to have a panic attack. I was about to give my most precious gift to my husband. I can't remember a time that I was more frightened than I was that whole evening. It could have been the most intense experience that I have ever had. It makes me so sad that so many people don't regard how precious that moment is. Virtue is given up like the swipe of a debit card now. I cannot imagine not having my husband as my first experience of true and beautiful intimacy.
I don't really talk about it much at all, but I have a tumor in my uterus that may or may not effect my fertility. It is painful and is growing in between the lining. I also have cysts on my ovaries that constantly burst and are terribly painful. The only way to get rid of the tumor is to have a hysterectomy and I am just not ready for that permanent solution. My heart is so heavy when I think about the possibility of not being able to not only get pregnant, but to possibly not be able to carry a baby. My mama went into labor with me on her first wedding anniversary. That would be me today. I keep wondering why it is so hard for us when there are people that have no business having children getting pregnant. I think about one of my friends who has been married almost ten years and still can't conceive. It isn't that they don't want to, but she has medical reasons as well. It will break my heart if I am 43 and still without a child. In some ways, I feel like I am being punished. You will never know how I feel until you walk a mile in my shoes. Maybe I am just not praying about it enough. I just hope that one day, I can have the joys of hearing some little voice calling me Mama.
